Rug Burns: Seven Carpet-y Insults

Published January 09, 2020

The next time a wood floor has something to say to you, you don’t have to be left fumbling for words. Here are seven rug burns for when you really want to make an impression – in the worst way possible.

The Best Rug Burns You’ll Ever Hear

#1: No offense, ahem, but you’re a little loopy.

#2: Like, don’t take this the wrong way, but – you look like you’re dyeing.

#3: Girl, do you need some concealer? Cause those shags under your eyes are shaded.

#4: The new rug is pretty dense. He simply has not cotton to how things are done around here.

#5: That used car-pet salesmen is a tassel. Management should really give him the jute.

#6: There are two types of people in this world: those who are ruggedly handsome, and those who are just, well, rugged.

#7: You are such a knot-brain.

We hope you enjoyed these insults – and that you keep them locked away in a rainy-day vault. Because there’s nothing worse than when your frenemy comes at you with the sickest burn, and you’re left with nada. And if your frenemy is Stone McCold Floors, who, as everyone knows, hates carpets and rugs and anything to do with comfy coziness, then we really appreciate you taking the time to read these insults – because he’s our frenemy, too. And a frenemy of Stone is a friend of ours. Now, you might be thinking, if Stone hates rugs, and these insults are about rugs, then how can these possibly be insulting to Stone? Ah, looks like someone paid attention in logic class! The short answer is: an insult is an insult. The long answer is: at the end of the day, we just want to laugh. At ourselves, at Stone, and maybe even with Stone, depending on how we’re feeling that day. We hope that clears things up, and we hope we didn’t disappoint. And we wish you the best of luck in dealing with you-know-who. Stay strong, fight on, and reach out if you need us; we’re always just a pile away!

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Editorial Disclaimer: Articles featuring tips and advice are intended for educational purposes and only as general recommendations. Always practice personal discretion when using and caring for furniture, decor and related items.